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Damn you alarm, how did I think it was a good idea to join a meeting at 5am in the morning. Since I moved past my fondness for drinking the waking up has been easier, but this was a bit ridiculous.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema
Splashing my face with cold water I looked briefly in horror at how I would appear on the screen. Despite my hesitation I managed to log in only 10 minutes late. Just as well I didn’t dally too much longer as the numbers were already at 850 and rising. Within half an hour Zoom had blown up and the functionality was crashing. All these eager bunnies madly raising their virtual hands to share with us were overloading the system.
I wasn’t sorry not to be picked and in fact hadn’t even tried. Choosing to forgo a coffee to be there on time was proving to be a mistake. The conversations were so positive, yet I was struggling to be enrolled. I ducked off to the other room knowing no one was likely to notice and said good morning to my son. He was logging on to a game with more enthusiasm than I had mustered earlier.
He told me to get back in there He reasoned if I’d gotten out of bed this early I must have really wanted to be involved. I shouldn’t waste the chance now I’m up. He finds the whole group chat funny and sets me goals to put up my hand and speak. My 11-year-old coach.
Joining in again my strategy was to get really involved. I started taking sketch drawn notes and listening for the gold in what the man from Massachusetts was thinking out load and what the woman from Austria was saying while breastfeeding with ease. Before I realised I grabbed it. The bit for me that broke through. I saw that my intention was connection, now and ongoing. I have been working to build it for many years and here I could see it. See it jumping at me from those pixels.
I have studied and worked from home for most of the last six years. I have become accustomed to the effort it takes to stay in conversations with people. Having previously had roles in large service-based organization it was an adjustment not to have loads of people in the lunchroom and meetings around the clock. I chose to end my period of employment to better manage my health. Chronic pain, fibromyalgia and mental illness, who knows what caused what. Some days the only people I talk to are doctors and the internet.
Staring at my laptop and those faces all lit up, I saw that I had found a community and they were thrilled to have me there.
Each of them gracious with sharing and grateful for listening.
How could I be cause for that? Why don’t I speak to people that way? What am I waiting for? Why do I leave it up to others to create? I am perfectly capable to do that myself.
There is the rub. I know I am great at hiding. It’s more of a stretch to be out in the world and try coming out of hiding. Dare I quote Alain de Botton, Brene Brown or Alan Watts? I spend enough time with them so maybe I will. The point I am getting to is that I soak up what others say and take it for myself.
At what point do I share it those who I care for. Knowing I care for you all. I don’t know where to start. At least that’s what I have said to myself.
While listening less than intently on that call I jumped on to Facebook and set up a group. Honestly, I have struggled with social media for a while now. It seems a lot of others do too. Yet it prevails. My silent protests have been ignored and my resistance to engaging is futile it appears. I find it rather scary and didn’t want to be in the online conversation so that’s exactly why I did it.
First inviting a small group, I expected to be unphased and join without hesitation. Bingo. Eight members without even trying. Next a few posts and a couple of likes and shares from them. Okay, going well.
The next afternoon I sat on the grass in the sun while my son rode his scooter with his mates at the skate park. Feeling a little braver I scrolled through my friend list and looked for the next safe bunch who would be up for a conversation. It was rather exciting to see them one by one, their comments and actions building on the rest. By the time I got home the group was over 50.
Spurred on by the acceptance I reached out to the next wave. The ones I was making riskier, not that they were. By morning I had 80 alive beings who’d consciously clicked to accept purely because I had asked them.
This might not be miraculous for people in the biz. For me it was a miracle. I wasn’t asking for anything. I wasn’t promoting anything either. Yet there they were. “I’m intrigued” someone said. Wow, really? Okay, now what? How do I tell them I just want to talk?
I believe we create every element of reality in our language. The language we speak, the language we hear and the language with think. This world can seem hard. I want to generate more language that shifts my reality. I’m not giving advice or making anything wrong. I am asking to listen. I may need to speak first.
I know somethings about somethings. I know a lot about cats. If you have questions, I will try to answer them. If you have stories, I want to hear them. I am a writer amongst other things. I am writing a memoir and to do that well I can’t hide. I want to be interested. I want to generous.
Am I taking this advantage of the events of the world to bring people closer? Hell, yes, I am.
Water seeks its own level and it rises collectively.
Julia Cameron, the Artists Way
Big love, Frances 💗