What They Said About My Memoir

I made a bold move releasing a memoir at the age of 41. What started as an idea for a fictional story came out as the retelling of sections of my own life. I captured the impact of my experiences and how I have struggled and flourished in all of it. Amazingly, now there are hundreds of copies of my book out in the world.

When my first few friends proofread the manuscript, I was nervous to hear their response. I was also keen to learn how they found both my history and my style of writing. I asked friends of varied ages and genders to give it a once over. I asked for feedback on structure, editing notes and their reaction to the content. I had the most beautiful and open conversations with everyone I sent it to. There was a mix of sentiments including love and care. I was covered in gratitude for being authentic and highly encouraged to keep going.

To my interest, or astonishment, three of my best friends were less than delighted.

One said, “You can't publish that" referring to the vulnerability of the content. Another one said, "The structure is too unusual". She feared some people would not follow the flow. The third one said, "It doesn't sound like you at all". Each of those comments were awkward to hear. In honesty though, they were perfect.

I love that I wrote about topics and incidents people fear sharing. I am thrilled the structure is part of the difference in my writing. Most of all, I am proud I managed to say things in a way that even my best friends did not recognise. That was the point.

For so long I had held onto the feeling of suppressing myself. Experiences of abuse and violence, mental illness and sexualization aren't considered pleasant conversation, and most people’s conception is that there is a time and a place to share these difficult experiences. What many don’t realize though is that for so many women the right time and place rarely exists, if at all.

When the bound copies first arrived I handed them to my friends and family. I had the chance to see their faces as they held my untold tales wrapped in brightly coloured cardboard. We shared an anticipation that they may love it or hate it, both of us knowing they’d have to report back either way.

Then I shared the link to my online store on my social pages. Sales started flowing in and I officially had readers. It was pretty darn exciting when the local bookshop phoned to order more copies. They had sold out and people were on a waiting list! One day a friend of mine snuck into our local bookstore and put my book facing cover out. She lovingly promoted its noticeability amongst the bestselling memoirs. I treasure the photo she sent me of the shelf. I’ll never know for sure, but it may have helped sales.

I will never know how many have actually been read. All I have are the statistics I receive from the print houses. I get reports from Amazon, orders from bookstores and online book depositories. I also have a collection of comments made in recognition of having read the book.

I started to have people who inhabit the outskirts of my life make mention of the book. At parties and work events men and women alike were starting to use it as the latest conversation starter with me. I bumped into a friend, of a friend a couple of months ago in the hardware store. She mentioned having seen the book online and extended her congratulations. Not having read it, what she didn’t know was that she has a cameo in one of my stories. I wondered if she would ever read it. If she did, would she recognise herself? Would she be honoured or upset? Would she ever tell me?

One woman told me that I shared so many hard things in my life then I skipped straight to a life of rainbows and unicorns! I didn’t give her the ‘how to do it’ part. She was so frustrated to not get the formula that she said outload, "Fuck you Frances". She couldn’t speak to me for a month. I loved hearing that when she told me. Now we have some juicy things to talk about. We have created a new place to start our conversations. Now she is ready to share with me what life is like for her knowing I am keen to listen.

The most troubling statement I have often receive from readers is “You are so brave”. In the beginning, when those words enter my space, I would freeze. My mind raced to recall all the brave things I said. I would infer from that comment the person was shocked by what they read. Something I said must have left them surprised at my audacity.

I started to reply with, “Do you think so?” which only left room for “Yes”. I don't think I wanted to hear any more detail than that. I already knew it took something to write it. I have the memories of the tears, the shaking and the paralysing dread.

Now when they say that I ask, “What do you think was brave?”. This gives people a chance to share with me what stood out for them. Next, I like to ask, “What would you say if you were being brave?”.

I watch women grapple with this question. They often respond with something rather tempered. They say something obvious like “Follow your dreams”. While this is beautiful and I wish everyone would, what I am asking is for something personal to them. Often all it takes is the second question. I let them know I want to hear the thing that flashed before them when I asked the first time. I want to know whatever it was that was right there to be said but they buried it instead.

Those women who have answered my question have told me things like:

“I feel like a failure”

“I hate my job”

“I get anxious going out”

“I want to drink less but I can't stop”

“I don't feel sexy”

“My partner controls me”

“I am scared I will never meet anyone or have children”

These things are real, common, and natural things to say, yet we don't, even with our friends. We stop at the pleasant and socially acceptable response. When you are authentic with another person the partitions between you dissolve. It is a loss to dismiss ourselves and believe we could never be that brave.

Perhaps reading a challenging personal account or calling out a long-accepted myth is just uncomfortable. It may be triggering and difficult to be with. That tells me the conversations need to be had. Avoidance, denial, and suppression only get you so far. Imagine if we all found our space and people who can listen. We would be free to grow through our self-expression.

I chose memoir because I was awake to the impact of telling people what to do. Nothing in my book is prescriptive or says how to do your life. It's not structured as a hero's journey with triumph over adversity. And people may read into it and take from it whatever they see for themselves. It doesn't provide a road map to health or self-discovery checklist. It does delve into the impact of our actions, the world around us and is told through the lens of what I have been up to in my version of the universe.

What I talk about, I say from a place of empowerment over my story and freedom with myself life exactly as it is and has been. I do thank those who recognise bravery in my actions. I truly want to support everyone to step into their own bravery. Hearing what you want to say is the absolute best bit.